(Rant) Review: Caller Unknown By Gillian McAllister (With Marked Spoilers)

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There will be spoilers in this review, but the part where they will be is clearly marked by text in a red box saying there will be spoilers below, with another red box spoiling the ending of the book (if that matters to you).

I don’t usually do this, but I’m adding a little disclaimer here. If you don’t like reading negative posts or bad reviews, skip this post. This is a very detailed and very negative and critical review. Plenty of people liked this book, I just am not one of them. At all. And I’m very thoroughly explaining why.

Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for the ARC! (And I’m sorry)

The book: Caller Unknown by Gillian McAllister

Content warnings

• Parental drug use (in the past)

The synopsis (from memory)

Lucy is at some camp in Texas and Simone (her mom) is coming to visit for two weeks of camping. But the night she arrives, Lucy is kidnapped and Simone will do whatever she needs to get her daughter back.

The good

That I’m done reading this: I had a very bad time reading this and I am so glad I’m done with it. The only reason I finished it was because I was curious about how it ended and what happened and it was.. not worth it.

The pacing: The best part of this, aside from being done with it, was that it was an easy read and it was a fast read. It was bad and infuriating but it was entertaining, otherwise I would have DNFd.

The grievances

The setting: WHY was this set in Texas? This could have been set LITerally anywhere else and still made sense, and been significantly better because I feel like the author really didn’t know anything about Texas and just picked it because of it’s proximity to Mexico.

I’m not THAT familiar with west Texas, but I’ve been there. I know what it looks like. I know what’s there (nothing). And I just really felt like this should have been somewhere the author was more familiar with.

Why was Lucy even at a camp in Texas? What kind of camp was this? What kind of camps are for 18 year olds? Was the singing prison actually the camp or was that a separate thing after the camp?

Seriously. This should not have been in Texas.

The language: Now, I don’t know how a book written by a British author with British main characters but set in Texas should be written. British English or American English? I though it should be American English but their dialogue should be British, of course. But this was all (emphasis on ALL) British English.

I did eventually get over that, until we started getting American characters. No American would say they’re a “drugs” (plural) dealer, much less a “drugs shipper,” yet multiple American characters use that phrase.

The middle-aged Texan lawyer also used words like keen, properly, and curious, in ways I don’t think a middle-aged Texan man would. He also wouldn’t say “a man called Max.”

Everyone (including the Americans) were also calling the bus a “coach” and like, yeah, it’s a coach bus, but no one would call it a coach. They would say bus.

They kept calling everywhere they stayed a “lodge” which, fine, if the British characters are saying it, but, again no American’s would call anywhere they stayed a lodge unless it was a lodge, which has a pretty specific connotation here.

It was a dingy little cabin and a house. A rental home. Not a lodge, which is generally seen as more “big fancy mountain cabin lodge,” not just anywhere to stay.

The bad research(?): I’m not really sure the best phrasing for this grievance title. Nothing in this section is like, BAD bad but they’re little things that just really bothered me. The best way to get me to nitpick everything in your book is to describe ANY desert in the US outside of southern Utah and a portion of northern Arizona as red. Which she did here.

It was small, it was the gravel with a “red tint” but the desert in this part of Texas is as brown and gray as it gets. It is not red. (It must have been described as red again somehow later because I did have a second note about this).

Next, (not a spoiler) at one point they’re heading to the Del Rio airport. First, WHY the Del Rio airport? Where even is that? Why not, oh I don’t know, the major city nearby called El Paso? Then I wondered where Del Rio airport even services, and it hasn’t even had flight service since 2023!!

I know this is a book and it’s fiction, but if you’re using real places, at least make sure it’s accurate and find and airport that’s actually serviceable.

Again, I know its fiction but using a real town like Terlingua with a tiny population is important for some of these decisions. There are no police in Terlingua. They just have the county sheriff who is based in Alpine 1.5 hours away. I know the characters don’t know that but it still feels like a valid complaint.

And there are no lawyers in Terlingua. There is no courthouse in Terlingua, why would they need lawyers there? What would a lawyer DO in Terlingua? Again, Alpine may have been a better setting for this than Terlingua because then these things would have made sense.

The flip phones. But more on that below.

The characters: Everyone is insufferable. Truly. Simone doesn’t need a bonding trip with Lucy, she needs therapy. Lucy is terrible and annoying and angry and kind of mean? And also won’t help her mom with anything while they’re on the run? Damien is pretty much useless.

The decisions made by all of them are all TERRIBLE over and over. They’re illogical and infuriating.

The lawyer is.. ok? But what lawyer would have a link on their website to the rental homes they have available? That feels.. not professional or lawerly.

The ending: Talk about a letdown! I won’t say much but I do spoil it at the very end of this post in my notes section.

The Godforsaken flip phones: This may have been one of the most egregious things in this book. These stupid flip phones. I don’t even know where to start.

So, first, the phone that she gets from the kidnapper is a flip phone (specifically stated) with one of those khaki colored screens (ALSO specifically stated). Then she’s receiving video on that phone? Video? On an old school green/brown screen? Absolutely not. But that’s not even the worst part, she’s using the what3words APP and GPS on this FLIP. PHONE. No.

Then, later, this is vaguely spoilery but not really, she stops at a gas station and buys a new phone. Here’s a direct quote: “She makes sure it has internet, GPS, is a usable smartphone, but not so smart it will reveal their location to anyone.”

Then, not too long after that, she has “the new flip phone” and wants to look up how far it is to Terlingua. She specifically says they don’t have a smartphone (AFTER buying the smartphone in the above paragraph) and “could use the new flip phone…probably not tracking their every move across internet apps but it might have GPS.” What?

I think after that we get this: “They could be the last people alive on Earth, and they would have no idea. No contact, no smartphones, no newspapers.” But you bought a smartphone? Specifically? Except it’s a flip phone?

Then, we get a description of the flip phone here “She folds the phone back into a small and sad pebble” and here “’Pass me the phone,’ Lucy says, and as Simone does so so she watches interestedly as Lucy clearly knows her way around an old fashioned Samsung that she’s never encountered before.”

So we know this is some junky old style flip phone, not a fancy new one. And Simone regularly goes on Instagram on this flip phone. THERE IS NO WAY IT WOULD WORK ON THERE!

She Googles on the flip phone for HOURS. Shes checking email, reading the news, making reservations and Airbnb accounts. “She flicks to the news tab.” ON. HER. FLIP. PHONE? How!? There is no flicking, there are no tabs. I cannot.

Should you read Caller Unknown?

No.

This is the end of the main review, but below the red box are my thoughts that I noted down as I read the book. I have 1600 words of notes from reading this. That is absurd.

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN BELOW!

Notes from reading in chronological order (briefly edited, additions and edits are Italicized, lines are added between thoughts)

My first issue is the location and writing combination. The main character and author are British. The is set in Texas. But written in British English, and that bothers me. It should be American English since it’s set in the US but Simone/lucy/damiens dialogue should be British.

I also just don’t like the setting. Why Texas? And at one point she mentioned Fort Davis and the “sandy gravel tinged red” at their lodge (which just sounds like a little cabin, not a lodge, another nitpicky complaint), and it is absolutely brown and yellow. Not all desert in the US is red. It’s actually a very small portion compared to the amount of desert there is.

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4k cash for camping, supplies and campsites!? Luxurious!? What kind of camping is this? And she already has a four person tent? I’m so confused about what this trip is. (Later addition: they already have a tent, sleeping pads, AND sleeping bags so WHAT IS THIS FOR)

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A flip phone with apps? And GPS directions? This khaki screened flip phone plays videos? That she can zoom in to?

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She keeps specifying that this is Colombian cocaine then wonders how many people from the graveyard are there because of drugs imported from Central America? I know it technically has to go through Central America to get to Mexico but after specifying multiple times that it’s Colombian cocaine, this bothered me.

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She described terlingua as “pretty big”

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So, instead of risking driving for a couple more hours to terlingua they’re going to walk for three days along to road and camp along the road instead? Or just.. off into the desert in hope they go through big bend then to terlingua?

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They bought a smartphone (at a gas station?) for gps but now they have “the new flip phone”?

“She makes sure it has internet, GPS, is a usable smartphone, but not so smart it will reveal their location to anyone.”

She wants to look up how far it is to terlingua and they “could use the new flip pone…probably not tracking their every move across internet apps but it might have GPS.”

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Why are they going to del Rio airport that is over 3.5 hours away from Fort Davis instead of el paso which is 3? DEL RIO AIRPORT DOESNT EVEN HAVE FLIGHT SERVICE! That took me like two minutes to figure out.

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I really need to know the decision making process for literally everything in this book. Why Texas? Have you ever been there? What map was consulted for this? I need sources used because this is not good.

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“She gets out the flip phone she bought. No Network is emblazoned across the screen.” … “But, nevertheless, Simone sets up a dummy account and drafts an anonymous enquiry on Airbnb ready to send to the lodge, saying she wants to book but asking if they have any CCTV as she is security conscious.” “She closes the phone again. She’ll send it when she has signal.” What?? How do you set up a dummy account for Airbnb at all, let alone on a FLIP PHONE??

“They could be the last people alive on Earth, and they would have no idea. No contact, no smartphones, no newspapers.” I simply CANNOT with this phone nonsense

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There aren’t even police in terlingua. It’s the sheriffs that patrol and they’re based in alpine 1.5 hours away.

As soon as she has service on her FLIP PHONE she’s googling and checking the news? On her FLIP PHONE?

the news story says Lucy shot at a police car but it wasn’t a police car, it was. Police in his own car

“She folds the phone back into a small and sad pebble”

No way can she look at Instagram on that thing

“’Pass me the phone,’ Lucy says, and as Simone does so so she watches interestedly as Lucy clearly knows her way around an old fashioned Samsung that she’s never encountered before.”

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Yeah, like there will actually be a lawyer in Terlingua 🙄

What lawyer would have a link to their rentals on their LAWYER WEBSITE?

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AN HOUR browsing the internet ON. A. FLIP. PHONE? When you have no way to charge it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT?

“She flicks to the news tab” ON HER FLIP PHONE?

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Simone: “Terlingua is big enough to disappear in?”

Lucy: “Definitely”

At least the size of terlingua is accurate.

I thought Lucy had been to Terlingua from the camp, but I was wrong. The quote below was from earlier in the book, and explains Lucy’s reasoning.

Hasn’t Lucy BEEN to terlingua? Why is she surprised it’s tiny?

She hasn’t, there were just trips here from camp:

“’There’s a town, Terlingua. It’s far enough away to have different police, in case any are in business with the kidnapper, but near enough to get to. There were day trips there from camp all the time. People came back with all sorts,’ Lucy tells her, once they’re back in the car. ‘We ought to head for there. I think it’s pretty big. We’ll be able to hide in plain sight. I’m pretty sure there are motels there that would take us without ID.’ She pauses. ‘We need to get rid of our phones, she says.”

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Also, Lucy is awful and annoying and I think this whole thing is her plan.

In terlingua they “walked down the high street then into the suburbs” the SUBURBS? In TERLINGUA?

She called this house Airbnb a lodge. It’s a house!

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These kidnapper chapters are stupid

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“The police are following me. I need to come to you.” Ok.

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This lawyer writing is terrible. A lawyer man in west Texas is not saying things like keen or curious or properly in the context they are here. He says “you do not have the typical profile of drugs supplier.” First, no American would say drugS, just drug. Second, no American would say you’re a drugs supplier. You’re a dealer or mule or trafficker or runner, literally anything but a “drugs shipper.”

“I assume this is a business model where people who are likely to be searched at border crossings choose people who are not to ship their drugs.” Moody says. Absolutely NO American would say “ship their drugs EVER.

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How on earth does Damien know exactly where they’re staying? All she said was terlingua. He explains it, that he got there then just.. looked for them and found them and somehow got into the house. I mean lodge.

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You found a guy in GALVESTON to get you new identities? Almost 11 hours away? And how are you going to buy new identities? With your maximum 9.5k between the bank account and cash that you e already spent some of. And you can’t even use all 5.5k in the bank account because they’d know where you took it out from!

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“Simone is showering when she hears a door open. Her entire body flashes there, under the heat, and she gets out, hoping it’s Damien, hoping it’s nothing. It’s Lucy. Fully clothed, coming in the front door. Simone stares at her, confused.” WHY is it specified that Lucy is fully clothed?

Lucy was out for a walk and doesn’t under why this bothers Simone? You’re literally fugitives! In a town with a population under 200! and she WENT TO A BAR!

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Another thing an American would never say “a man called”

I also don’t think anyone here would keep calling this bus a coach.

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Why would someone at this camp tell him to go ALL THE WAY TO MEXICO, hours (minimum six hours of driving from Fort Davis) away, for stargazing when Big Bend is literally right there, 2.5 hours from Fort Davis. ALSO, Nueva Rosita has a population of over 35,000. WHO WOULD GO THERE FOR STARGAZING?

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Did the police come to the house they’re at and NOT look in the shed? What? We later learn that the police were checking every house in Terlingua (sure) and Mr. Lawyer (who lives right by his rental) told them the house they were staying at wasn’t rented out so they just.. ignored it. Ok.

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So.. driving your rental car a couple more hours to terlingua and walking for THREE DAYS across the desert was less risky than taking a bus allllllll the way across Texas to get to Galveston? Together? All three of you? Then taking a cruise to get to the Bahamas (with new identities?). How are they paying for three new identities and three cruises to the Bahamas with less than 10 grand? It’s actually less than five thousand because they spent the four thousand cash she had already.

They get to Galveston after “many hours” with almost all of their cash gone AND THEY HAVENT EVEN PAID FOR NEW IDENTITIES

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Terlingua and big bend desert are NOT RED

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Also, how have they done absolutely nothing to even try and alter their appearances?

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Galveston is not the “very eastern edge of America.” Texas, sure but not America.

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Simone turns herself in and the other two are just.. free to stay out?

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Seriously, the kidnapper chapters are not good

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Lucy and damien are just free and staying in terlingua? And are allowed to visit her in jail!?

“They didn’t charge Damien then?”

“No, minor offenses anyway.”

Harboring or being with fugitives is minor? Obstructing an investigation is minor? Buying a new fake identity is minor?

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No. This prisoner in TEXAS did not just say “why would you ship drugs?” No one here says that!!!

Now the lawyer said “there is nobody in the area who used to ship drugs…” NO ONE HERE SAYS SHIP DRUGS!

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THIS SECTION SPOILS THE ENDING IF THAT MATTERS TO YOU!

If this is some random border patrol agent that happened to help her at the airport I will riot. How would he even know exactly where she’s staying? Would that be on her ESTA? What airport did they even fly into? How would he even do anything with this plan?

So these border patrol agents kidnap kids then use their parents to “ship drugs” over the border? That seems significantly riskier than finding people to be drug mules without involving kidnapping.

The lady agent, who she saw on the bus less than a month ago, is retired already? Because of everything that happened? I don’t think you just.. retire spur of the moment.

Where is Simone in jail? Lucy could visit her but then she’s on a plane for her arraignment and Lucy is.. visiting her again? or supposed to be? How did Lucy get there? Where are they!?

Lucy is kidnapping the kidnappers daughter now and they’re working together to ransom her and get her mom to confess, which she (the mom) just.. agrees to? Like, you’ve been committing a lot of crimes and you’re just.. fine confessing in the court room? That’s it?